Well mother's day is coming as it does every year and I am preparing. Not to celebrate what is a joyous day for so many blessed women, but to survive the most gut wrenching, heart breaking day of the year. And to most I will do so in silence because I don't want to bring down their special day and because so few truly understand.
Mothers day is such a hard day for me because I am not a mother, have never been, and not for a lack of trying, will never be.
I spent my childhood like a lot of girls, playing house and dreaming of having my own family someday. I grew up knowing that I would work and then when I had children I felt called that I would be a stay-at-home mom. I dreamt of a having 10 children and in the early years of marriage my Ex and I chose names for all of them. I prayed for each of them by name for years. I also prayed that God would give me wisdom, patients, lots of love, gentleness, firmness, and understanding. I wanted to be an awesome mom.
My Ex and I tried for 10 years to conceive. That was 120 babies that never happened. 120 toothless smiles I would never see. 120 giggles I would never hear. 120 wet, drooling kisses I would never receive. I *desired to feel a tiny hand holding mine. Longing to hear “Mommy, I love you.”*
Most people don't understand this type of heart break. They try to be supportive and give encouragement, suggestions or * unsolicited advice about how i should “just relax”, go on a vacation or adopt. I didn't want another sarcastic offer of “please take my kids.” along with the admonition to be thankful for my freedom.* It just piled on the hurt. If it was just that easy don't you think I would have tried that? *Friends offered consolation that I was “still young” and had “plenty of time”, but their comfort was hollow.* Heck even my ex didn't begin to understand until after we had stopped trying. *Instead, I plastered a half hearted smile on my face, gave a vague answer about “someday”* and moved on while regaining my composure.
Being around children had its ups and downs and my job played a huge role in that. I was a Nanny. I loved children and it was a perfect fit and honor to help raise other people's children while I waited for my own. but that was a two edged sword because on the down days it was torture. Holding, snuggling and loving other peoples children and knowing that I didn't have any. Seeing a child miss their parents when they left, or the extreme joy on their little faces when mom and dad would get home, off they would go running for hugs and kisses, never wanting put down. Knowing that I wasn't missed like that or loved like that by my own little one tore at me. I would go to sleep at night crying, my heart aching, and my arms empty. Crying wasn't only at night though. Snuggling with the baby, rocking him before his nap, kissing his little nose, wishing he was my own, and tears sliding down my face. And of course the best, being in church and seeing a bright pair of angel eyes peeking over the top of the seat in front , catching my eye and smiling with a little wave, And I would leave in front of everyone as quickly as possible so as not to embarrass myself, bawling in the middle of worship.
I felt broken, a failure, *unable to achieve something as “basic” as motherhood*, The most basic purpose of being female and I couldn't do it. So what good was I?
*I kept wondering what criteria God was using in the allotment of offspring.* Why did people who didn't seem to want children get them, and I was left empty? And *if children are a blessing, what does infertility mean?* *I found my faith floundering. When each moment, hour, day, and week seemed to break my heart a little more, I truly felt I would die if God asked me to endure years of childlessness.*
It took a lot years and a lot of prayer, crying, and yelling at God. I wanted answers to my questions. I can't say that I have ever really received any answers and I don't know if I ever will. There are plan for my life and only He knows what those are. **The Lord gifts people in many different ways. He has chosen to give me the gift of infertility. It is a gift that I never wanted. I spent years trying to deny, refuse, refund, or exchange this gift before finally, and with many tears, accepting it. God only gives good gifts, and I am continually learning that He chose to make me infertile because He loves me. He has bigger dreams for me then I even have for myself. I invested years and money into trying to conceive, but the Lord repeatedly confirmed that my gift would not be pregnancy. Through one heartbreaking disappointment after another, the Lord was humbling me and drawing me closer to Him. How many times did I crawl into my heavenly Father's lap and cry, pouring out my heart to Him, begging for my blessing? After years of trying, the Lord performed a miracle. He brought peace to my heart. Infertility has left indelible marks on who I am, but I am stronger, better, and more in love with the Lord then I was before. Infertility is not an easy gift to bear, but I am learning day by day to thank the Lord for it.**
I had decided to take one last year before giving up trying but God had different plans for that year. As the months went by I felt a peace begin to fill me that I was going to be ok not having my own children. What I thought was going to be one last hard year was actually comforting. None of my questions have been answered. I still don't know why infertility was Gods plan for me but I'm ok with that. As painful as it was to come to this point, I can say that I am ok with not having a baby now. Don't get me wrong, I still have down times, or moments that catch me off guard. Like seeing a pic of the BF grinning and holding a baby or interacting with little ones. I would have loved to see him as a father with little ones. Or hearing too much of others being pregnant. Or receiving multiple pics from the ex of his sister's new baby. Or mothers day when everyone is saying how blessed mothers are and how there is no greater joy, gives me twinges of sadness. Ok, I will be honest, its like a knife wound sometimes, but not always.
I try to remember that I have been part of 5 little ones lives, and that I have special relationships with each of them. I have also been blessed to briefly be apart of so many other little ones lives. Though its not the same as having my own, I treasure each and every one of them more then they will ever know.
*There are some things I can change, while for others I must seek the Lord's wisdom to endure my circumstances with grace.* And for those down times I have to stop and *ask God to give me grace to survive the moment.*
The parts between the *’s are taken from the book Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake. I read this book many times over that last year of trying. I still reread parts of it on occasion for encouragement. I used her words because they echoed my heart exactly, but they are her words.
**Contributed by Denise England and changed to be more personal for me and also from the book.
