Wow, it really has been awhile, and a whole lot has changed in my life. I will catch you all up on what has been going on over the next few days. Or at least that is my hope, but I know there is the possibility that it might not happen and I will disappear for a few more months. So, I could give you all the short version or I could give you the long version, let’s just see what happens when I put my fingers to the keys.
Ok, I last wrote July of 2013. I had been dating a guy for about 7 months. I had been thinking about a lot of things, him, me, what I wanted in a partner/future husband, and what I didn't want. It took a lot of courage, fear, determination and anything else I could muster to end things with him. Not because he was some horrible person but because I knew he wasn't the guy for me. He had a lot of good qualities and it was hard for me to end it with him. I thought I should love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him because he was good to me and all this other stuff. But my heart just wasn't there. I had to tell myself that it was ok. If he isn't the one then he isn't the one and no matter how great he may or may not be wasn't going to change that, and it wasn't good for either of us. I had to take a look and see why I wanted out. Was I just scared to be alone? Was I just scared to stay with him? Was I making up negatives, or was I glamorizing positives beyond what they really were?
I broke up with him but I didn't know why and I panicked, so we got back together the next day. I knew he wasn't good for me long term but I was also scared to have him out of my life. I was unhappy, I still knew he wasn't good for me but I tried to force myself to stay because of all of his positive qualities and because everyone else liked him. I finally had to end it a month later and be strong and not look back. It wasn't good for me to be so upset and unhappy all the time. It didn't matter how great he was or what others thought of him. I knew he wasn't the guy for me and I needed to trust my gut and instincts. Although if I had done that from the start I would never have dated him in the first place.
It was a learning experience for me and also a reminder that I needed to trust myself. The times in my life when I have ignored my heart or my gut, I have made choices that didn't end well. It will probably happen again sometime in my future, but for now the reminder is fresh. So here’s hoping it lasts a while. :)
